Miracles

This happy little guy has taught us A LOT over the past five days. Welcoming little Soren into the world did not go the way we hoped. Our dreams seemed shattered when we saw his little purple body flailing and struggling for breath. And then saw him looking so fragile and helpless hooked up to countless monitors and machines and IV's. But through this emotional roller coaster we find ourselves coming out on top.

Soren has an amazing little spirit, and now that we are seemingly exiting the crisis stage of his birth - I'm finding that I have a lot of quiet time with him to reflect and embrace his presence. There is something special about all newborns - but Soren's experience has taught me patience. I had to wait to hold him. I had to wait to touch him. I had to wait to kiss his little head and breathe in the sweet smell of his hair. I had to wait to nurse him. I had to wait. And since I had to wait and watch, and rely on the expertise of the nurses and doctors to help him overcome his battles and fight to recover, I've learned to appreciate each tiny miracle as it comes with a whole new perspective.

Miracle #1 -

His birth. As mentioned earlier, Soren came 3 weeks early at 37 weeks. This was somewhat expected and Ben and I (along with our doctor) had been planning on him to come sometime this week. We planned on it, we hoped for it, and when I went into labor - we were excited to have him come out early. Afterward, I was haunted with feelings of guilt when I saw how hard he was struggling for life - wondering if this would have been avoided if I had just taken it easy and not worked so hard in the days leading up to his labor - could I have prevented the contractions from beginning? However, yesterday I ran into a nurse friend at the hospital who didn't know that I was here, nor that my baby had been born. When I told her that Soren was born on Sunday night, she got an amazed look on her face and said, "Ahh, then it was you who was a part of saving someone's life." I had no idea what she was talking about and asked her to explain. She mentioned that my doctor (Dr. Macy) was on call last weekend, and came into the hospital earlier on Sunday to deliver a baby.

When Dr. Macy learned I was here, she came back in the afternoon - otherwise, she would have been at home. As she came to the hospital to check on me, she was pulled right into a critical emergency of another patient who's emergency c-section revealed that her placenta had grown tumor-like and attached itself to her internal organs. When the baby and placenta were removed, she was in major trouble. Interestingly enough, Dr. Macy had just broken my water - and instead of increasing my contractions like it should, my contractions actually slowed down. I was frustrated at the time, but looking back, it gave Dr. Macy the amount of time she needed to be the first surgeon on hand to get the bleeding stopped and help stabilize this woman. The nurse explaining this to me was confident that if Dr. Macy had not been here, the woman may not have survived. Her particular skills and expertise were needed and if she would have needed to be called in and drive to the hospital, it would have been too late.

Miracle #2 -

When the doctors first told of Soren's condition, they warned us that it would take much longer than they had initially hoped for him to get off the c-pap, begin nursing, and be able to be held at all. Since then, every single time-table they've given us has been beat by our little trooper. He went from needing an increased amount of oxygen Tuesday morning, to being off the c-pap by early afternoon. The doctors and nurses are impressed by how quickly he's improving and though we're not out of the woods yet and still have a long way to go - they're thrilled that he is making such impressive strides toward recovery.

Miracle #3 -

Perhaps the most frustrating and emotional part of this whole ordeal for me has been the fact that I want to help my son so badly, yet felt that there was absolutely nothing I could do for him but stay out of other people's way. There is no greater feeling of helplessness I can imagine than seeing your child struggle and know there is nothing you can do to help. As he began to slowly get stronger, several wise nurses found ways to get me more involved in his care.

On Tuesday night, I did my first skin-to-skin Kangaroo Care with Soren. The nurse on duty told me she had seen it work miracles for babies, and thought it could help Soren. When the time arrived, she was a bit worried. His oxygen levels had been low all afternoon (mid 80's) and she was concerned that moving him and stimulating him might cause him to take a setback and need more help to regulate his breathing. She warned me not to be disappointed if he was too weak to handle it. However, as soon as she set him on my chest and covered us up with a warm blanket, he snuggled right in to me and literally within seconds his heartrate slowed, his breathing stabilized, and his oxygen level shot right up to 100% - higher than it had been without increased assistance since he'd been admitted to the Special Care Nursery. Several nurses came in to witness his incredible reaction.

Miracle #4 -

Having Soren struggle and Mommy and Daddy gone so much has been tough on Abby and Isaac. We have so many wonderful family members and friends who have been watching them and spoiling them rotten, but they are getting passed around a lot. Their world has been turned upside-down and they miss their mommy and want to see this baby brother of theirs. Today, Ben was with them and sent me a video text of Abby and Isaac talking to Baby Soren. I was holding him in my arms and played the video so he could see it. As soon as he heard his brother and sister's voices - he broke out into a huge smile. Since I had my camera phone in hand, I snapped a photo (see above). Don't you dare try and tell me that smile is just gas.

Miracle #5 -

(Okay, a bit out of order)

The first time I held him was a miracle. I had been an emotional wreck -crying for hours on end, not able to eat or sleep. But holding him in my arms healed me. My tears turned to tears of gratitude and hope, rather than worry and guilt.

Yes this little boy is truly a miracle in our lives. Although I would not wish to repeat this experience, I am filled with gratitude when I look back on all the many miracles that have occurred over the past 5 days.